3/31/2012: Shaving Cream

Saving is one of my least favorite things to do in the world. Which I probably why I haven't shaved in months. Like 6 months. So I'm not going through much shaving cream. 

I'll do what I call a "lazy shave" a couple times a week, which means I shave my neck on a bit of my cheeks so my scruff looks well shaped, like I'm trying to grow a bear not like I'm just lazy. And about once a week or so (when the whiskers start to itch) I use the beard trimmer and trim them down.

3/30/2012: (Very Dusty) Oscillating Fan

My laziness has paid off. I never bothered to put my oscillating fan away for the winter, left it sitting in the corner of my bedroom. And good thing I didn't cause it's been used already this year several times. I should probably dust it at some point... but that sounds like a job for Future Mike.

3/29/2012 Alarm Clock

EENNNNNK EENNNNNK EENNNNK EENNNNK EENNNNNK EENNNNK EENNNNNK EENNNNK

*SMACK*

(9 minutes later)

EENNNNNK EENNNNNK EENNNNK EENNNNK EENNNNNK EENNNNK EENNNNNK EENNNNK

*SMACK*

(9 minutes later)

EENNNNNK EENNNNNK EENNNNK EENNNNK EENNNNNK EENNNNK EENNNNNK EENNNNK

Fine... I'm up... stupid fucking alarm clock... I hate you.

3/28/2012: Wooden Elephant

No home is complete without a large wooden elephant. I always remember my grandmother Clark (on my mother's side) having lots of various elephant figures around her house, and if I recall correctly she said having an elephant in your house was good luck. I assume she didn't include real elephants in that, cause that definitely wouldn't be very lucky. Especially if it wasn't house trained.

3/27/2012: Wall Clock

Is a wall clock still technically a wall clock if it's sitting on a plate stand on a shelf in a bookcase? Maybe I should call this one "Shelf Clock?" But would anybody know what that is?

3/26/2012: New Mandals

What with summer arriving a couple months early, I thought it was finally time to replace my old mandals with the soles that have very nearly cracked entirely in half with a pair of new mandals. So earlier today I headed over to DSW on my lunch break. Unfortunately I was unable to find exactly what I wanted, which would've been another pair of what I already had. Since I bought them something like 6 or 7 years ago that isn't too surprising. These seemed to be reasonably close to the style and feel of the old ones, and they'll show off my god-awful ugly toes just as nicely.

3/25/2012: Lawn Funnel

3/24/2012: Rake

Is there anything more exciting than getting a brand new rake??? I hope your answer to that question is a resounding "YES!!!", otherwise your life kind of makes me sad. If the pinnacle of your existence is a lunch-hour trip to Wal Mart to purchase a new rake because the one you have has a wobbly head that makes it difficult to work with than you need to find some new interests. 

While a rake isn't particularly exiting, it's a necessity. At least it is if you plan on doing any raking in the yard. For some reason I seem to have been inspired this spring to clean up my yard. My approach to spring time clean-up before was essentially "Mehhh... the leaves will get chopped up when I mow, leaf 'em where they are." (Even when I'm being lazy and avoiding work I can still throw a good pun into my internal monologue)

3/23/2012: Elephant Ear Bulbs

Dug these elephant ear bulbs up last fall, then stuck them in the basement. Originally I had three of them... as you can see they've multiplied. Having their dirty bulb intercourse and making bulb babies right in front of my house! A bunch of bulb sluts is what they are. What if the neighbors had seen!

3/22/2012: Forsynthia Bushes

Hard to believe the forsynthia buses are already blooming. In no time at all I'll need to prune them down again since the tend to shoot up and get scraggly like weeds in no time flat.

3/21/2012: Sunglasses

Normally wearing sunglasses gives me a headache due to my big fat head. My head is apparently freakishly wide, causing the earpiece on most sunglasses to press into my head eventually giving me a splitting headache. These sunglasses however have a slightly flexible frame so they don't dig into my oversized noggin and I can wear them for longer than 20 minutes without having to take them off.

3/20/2012: Body Scrubber

I'll spare you details of the gross scaly skin I tend to get on my ankles that necessitated something rougher to scrub them with. Yes, men need to exfoliate too, thus this body scrubber.

3/19/2012: Laundry Basket

The newest item added to my stuff, the laundry basket I bought at Target yesterday. It also served as make-shift protection from the rain that was falling when I left the store. Sure, I probably looked like an idiot walking across the parking lot with a laundry basket over my head... but a DRY idiot.

3/18/2012: Target Knock-Off Claritin

The unseasonably warm weather of the last week has finally caught up with my nose, so time to pull out the Target knock-off Claritin. I tend to buy the Target knock-off (TKOs) on heath and beauty items when I can.

Obviously there's pollen a plenty out today. I wonder why Rick Santorum hasn't come out against pollination yet? The stuff he has otherwise come out against makes almost as much sense as being anti-pollination. After all it's just dirty cross species flower/bee fornication. I'm sure that's got to be a sin doesn't it? And the fruits (literally) of such dirty acts would therefore be a sin to consume. So if you've ever eaten an apple, have fun in hell.

3/17/2012: Jeep

I always wanted a green Jeep. With tan interior. The fact my Jeep has a gray interior saved me $1000, so I live with it.

Me: "I was hoping to get one with a tan interior."

Salesman: "We don't have one on the lot with the tan. How about another $1000 off instead?"

Me: "OK."

And that is why you car shop at the end of the month.

Also, my Jeep, an Erg rowing machine and a broken radio dial inadvertently contributed to the collapse of the US economy in 2008.

3/16/2012: Ladder

"Mike, why does your ladder have a big red bow on it?" Because instead of a Lexus with a big red bow on it this Christmas I got a ladder. Which is perfect. You can't use a Lexus to climb up and take the Christmas lights down off the house. Which is something I should probably do this weekend. After I unwrap the ladder.

3/15/2012: Tower Fan (with remote)

Normally this tower fan would have stayed up in the attic for another month or two... but some unseasonable warm mid-March days necessitated its early arrival back downstairs.

And yes, the fan has a remote control (below). Because that's the kind of world in which we live. A world with fat lazy Americans that can't get off the couch to adjust the oscillating speed of their tower fans. Like me.

3/14/2012: XM Radio

3/13/2012: Razor

Sent from my U.S. Cellular® Windows® phone.

3/12/2012: Leather Coat

With the mid March arrival of the mid-70s I've (probably prematurely) hung my leather coat in the closet. Hopefully it will stay there until November or so.

This coat is actually one of my mother's Kohl's clearance finds. When she worked at Kohl's, she was constantly picking up items had gone on clearance and were marked down. WAY down. We'd often joke with her about getting things for a nickel. If I recall, the leather coat was less than $10 when she grabbed it. Minus her employee discount.

3/11/2012: Bucket

Everyone that has a dog probably has a bucket like this in the yard. This is the doody duty bucket. One of the true joys of dog ownership.

3/10/2012: Second Couch

This second couch is sort of a glorified futon really, the back folds down to make a spare bed. For all the overnight guests I have...

It's also a convenient spot to sit while watching Archer on Netflix instant.

3/9/2012: Big Ass Elvis Coffee Cup

I don't know that I've ever actually used this big ass Elvis coffee cup to drink coffee out of, it's just a novelty souvenir my parents picked up for me when they stopped at Graceland. Though many mornings it looks tempting, I just don't want my coffee to get too cold before I finish it.

See Also: Empire Strikes Back Coffee Cup, Monkey Coffee Cup

3/8/2012: Watering Can

3/7/2012: Big Ass Metal Spatula

This big ass metal spatula is one of those left-behind-by-a-previous roommate items. I'm sure, being Pampered Chef and all, that it has some very specific high-end fancy purpose. It must, it comes with it's own protective plastic sheath after all. It's probably a specialty frittata flipper or something. But since I've never had much less made a frittata, it sits in the second drawer down in the kitchen.

Everyone has that drawer in the kitchen. Where miscellaneous rarely if ever used gadgets go. Recently my mother comments that she was afraid I'd run out of items to post. I assured her there was no danger in that happening any time soon, and in fact probably had two month's worth of stuff in the second drawer down in the kitchen alone. Not particularly interesting stuff, but stuff none the less.

3/6/2012: Baby Gate

Chances are if you've got a dog you've got a baby gate. Initially used to keep Darwin in (out out) of various rooms when he was a puppy, now it's primarily used to block his path to the front door when I have Chinese food or Jimmy John's delivered so he can't jump up and lick the delivery men to death.

3/5/2012: Bamboo Print Shower Curtain

The dog once nearly led to the destruction of my bamboo print shower curtain. He was standing directly behind me while I was "using the facilities" (which we all know is a euphemism for "taking a leak"), I didn't notice him and stepped back when I was finished, started to fall over him and frantically grabbed the shower curtain putting a big tear in it. Because the shower curtain was going to save me. So I took it down with the intention of replacing it. Just left the clear plastic shower liner up for a very long time. Then I decided it wasn't worth replacing for $20 ($20 for a sheet of plastic!? Screw that.) and fixed the tear with clear plastic packing tape.That's the level of handy I am: tape.

3/4/2012: Three Hole Punch

3/3/2012: Scorpion Key Chain

3/2/2012: Dwight Bobble Head

3/1/2012: Treat Pouch

This treat pouch is meant to clip on your belt so you have easy access to treats when training your dog or taking him for a walk. This particular one is usually full of Darwin's favorite treat, Cheetos. Don't worry, it's the baked ones so they're healthy. Even if the seeped through grease stains on the outside of the pouch may indicate otherwise. And of course I chose this particular one at the pet store because of the combination of functionality with my love a bad puns. Outward Hound.