2/29/2012: Corkscrew/Bottle Opener

Is it a corkscrew? Is it a bottle opener? It's neither alone but both together in one amazing corkscrew/bottle opener! Could mankind get any cleverer?

2/28/2012: Crock Pot

Every kitchen has a Crock Pot in it I suppose. Mine sees the most use on food days at work. I've never quite trusted the idea of starting it up in the morning, letting it cook all day while I'm gone and coming home to a nice juicy roast. I'm always afraid the "coming home to a nice juicy roast" part of that chain of events will be replaced with "coming home to find your house burned to the ground."

2/27/2012: Boots

Haven't had much reason to where my boots this winter, which is good cause they're fairly ugly, not very comfortable and really don't keep my feet warm. Usually I only wear them for the time it takes me to shovel the driveway and the walks, which is something I've only had to do a couple times this winter. Thanks climate change, you rule!

2/26/2012: TiVo

I've often commented that TiVo is the greatest invention in the history of man kind, and that includes the TV (which without there really wouldn't be a TiVo). And the wheel? Pffft... that's not an invention, that's just somebody noticing a log rolling down a hill and thinking "That would make carrying rocks much easier."

Housed in the top compartment of my Anderson Media Console, TiVo has completely changed the way I watch TV. I never watch anything when it's ON, that drives me crazy.

I think Ted and Marshal on How I Met Your Mother said it best:

Marshall: But just to make sure it records, maybe we should bow our heads and say a quiet prayer to the TiVo gods.

Ted: Almighty TiVo, We thank you for all the gifts you have given us. The power to freeze live TV to go take a leak is nothing short of god-like. And let's not forget fast-forwarding through commercials. It seems greedy to ask anything more from you, o magic box, but if you malfunction and miss the Super Bowl, we will destroy you in the alley with baseball bats.

Marshall and Ted: Amen.

ALL HAIL TIVO!!!

2/25/2012: Key Bowl

This is where I keep my keys, in a key bowl. A very chipped (from tossing keys in it every day for years) wooden bowl. You can also see other random assorted things that get thrown in such as a pocket knife or two, a tape measurer, the clicker for dog training and it's usually where I put my wallet too.

On the subject of key bowls from The Big Bang Theory, after Sheldon locks himself out his apartment:

Penny: Hang on, I think the emergency key is around here somewhere.

Sheldon: We have a bowl. Our keys go in a bowl. You should get a bowl.

Penny: So, how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper forget his key in the first place.

Sheldon: I left them in the bowl.

See Also: Rock Paper Lizard Scissors Spock T-Shirt

2/24/2012: Car Key

Remember when you had to stick your car key in the lock on the door and turn it to open the car door? It was a simpler time... Cokes cost a nickel down at the soda shop if I recall correctly.

2/23/2012: Milk Frother

One of those silly single-use things you buy that generally sit unused in the second drawer down in most people's kitchens. But even considering that I use this milk frother fairly frequently. Mixes up chocolate milk quite well, with no splashing outside the glass. And technically these days it's chocolate lite vanilla Silk and sugar free Hershey's syrup.

Now you may be thinking to yourself "Why is a 40-something year old man regularly making himself chocolate milk?" And my response to you would be "Shut up and mind your own business. I can do whatever the hell I want."

2/22/2012: Toothbrush

This morning I dropped my toothbrush on the floor and it skidded behind the toilet. Needless to say that was never going in my mouth again. Luckily I had this back-up toothbrush ready to go. Was probably time to toss the old one anyway. I just hope the same thing doesn't happen tomorrow morning and this one skids behind the toilet, because if it does I'll be screwed.

2/21/2012: Folding Hex Wrench

2/20/2012: Stack of Books #1

I'm counting this stack of books as one item rather than a dozen (or however many books it contains. I suppose I could count them quick... eh, whatever...) because once I've read a book, it goes on a stack and the stack itself becomes an item. Here's a mini review of the books in this stack, top to bottom:

Holidays on Ice/David Sedaris: A holiday classic, Sedaris' tale of his experience working Santa Land at Macy's reminds me of how horrible my retail Christmases were. In a hilarious way.

Syrup/Max Barry: Read Max Barry. Just do it.

I Know I Am But What Are You?/Samantha Bee: OK with some funny bits. If you love her on The Daily Show, you'll like her on paper.

Running With Scissors/Augusten Burroughs: Quite funny, even after finding out it was largely made up. Who cares.

Jennifer Government/Max Barry: Didn't you hear what I said already? READ MAX BARRY! His books are hilarious. Unfortunately he only has a few.

The Curious Case of the Dog In the Night-Time: I absolutely hated this book. The gimmick of the first person point of view of an autistic kid gets old very quickly. I honestly have no idea why I finished the book, especially since if I recall the "mystery" is randomly solved without build-up in the final couple pages.

Sex Drugs & Cocoa Puffs/Chuck Klosterman: Been awhile since I read this. I remember liking it... but nothing really specific about it.

Me Talk Pretty One Day/David Sedaris: The essay about explaining the Easter bunny to French people may be one of the funniest things I've ever read.

Possible Side Effects/Augusten Burroughs: OK, still funny, but not as funny as Running With Scissors.

The Tipping Point/Malcolm Gladwell: In a word; overrated. It was an OK, but all Gladwell did was identify the "tipping point" phenomenon in my opinion, he didn't really offer any "why" about it.

I Am Legend: I liked the movie, thought I'd check out the source material. This is actually a collection of short stories but I only read the one the movie was based on. Don't remember much about it actually, other than it was very different from the movie.

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius & Life of Pi: There's a reason these two ended up on the bottom of the stack, I never finished either of them. Actually I doubt I even got 30 pages into either of them. 

2/19/2012: Bench

The bench is where the cat likes to lay while he stares idly out the window. Oh, wait... I don't have a cat. Or do I?

Let me start again... this bench is where the dog likes to lay while he stares out the window ensuring that nobody dares to walk by the walk. Especially those who have the balls to walk their dog by the house. Or across the street. And boy watch out if you have the unmitigated gall to push a stroller past the house.

2/18/2012: Wicker Storage Box

This wicker storage box is where the toilet paper is kept in my bathroom. Because it's such a small bathroom I don't have a spot where I can hang the roll on the wall. We're talking restroom on an airplane small. You've been in more spacious port-a-potties.

2/17/2012: Diecast Metal Millennium Falcon

This diecast metal Millennium Falcon was purchased for me by my grandmother a long long time ago. I'll say in 1978. She was visiting from New Jersey and took me to the toy store to pick out a gift for myself. Being a young boy in the late 70s I of course chose something Star Wars related. Birthday, Christmas, just for being awesome, I don't recall the exact reason for the gift but I do remember where we went. We went where every 9 year old in the Des Moines area wanted to go: Toys n More.

Ahhhh... Toys n More. I can still fondly recall their TV commercials (which I unfortunately had no luck locating on YouTube.) "Toys n more! Toys n MORE!!! TOY N MUCH MUCH MORE!!!" Looking back I don't really remember what the "more" was. It was pretty much just toys.

Fun sidenote: Had I never opened my Millennium Falcon I could sell it mint-in-box on eBay for roughly $1500.

2/16/2012: Aquarium

55 gallons and in desperate need of a plecostamus, I purchased my aquarium roughly a decade ago. I think I made it a birthday present to myself when I turned 32. Because of course everyone knows your 32nd birthday is more commonly known as the "glass box of water birthday." I haven't actually purchased any new fish for it for probably 6 years. The ones I have (a few angel fish and a few clown loaches) just keep not dying.

2/15/2012: Cyclones Slippers

Nothing shows your school affiliation like fuzzy footwear emblazoned with your choice of school mascot. In this state there are two kinds of people: Iowa State Cyclone fans and jackasses. As the former, I don my Cyclone slippers proudly.

2/14/2012: Valentine's Candy

Got this box of Valentine's candy at work, somebody bought some for everyone, left them on people's desks. Each box had a different word or phrase on it - LUV ME, BE MINE, HUGZ, that kind of thing. Like those chalk hearts but not nearly as gross. My box said "DIVA." Hopefully my getting that was random chance. I'd like to think that if asked to describe me in one word, the word "diva" would not come to anybody's mind. In fact I'd like to think that if asked to describe me in 100 individual words, the word "diva" still would never come to anybody's mind.

2/13/2014: Bookcase

2/12/2012: Toaster

The toaster being out on the counter can mean only one thing: it's waffle time! I got a red toaster to rebel against the stainless steel appliances in the rest of my kitchen... which I kind of hate. Why? Well, because I've touched them, and now they're smudged. Apparently forever.

See also: Grind and Brew Coffee Maker

2/11/2012: Iron

Friday, before heading out to see West Side Story, I did something I almost never do. I ironed a shirt. See that pile of shirts behind the iron? Laying there since they came out of the dryer, just waiting for their chance to be pressed and worn. They'll be waiting awhile. Conservatively, they've already been laying there waiting for at least six months.

Call me lazy, but when the choice of what to wear is between a shirt I'd have to iron first or selecting from my numerous other shirts that do not require ironing, is it really that surprising that the latter always wins?

2/10/2012: Ticket to West Side Story

This ticket to West Side Story is symbolic of my anti-stuff Christmas. Instead of buying things for my family these year, I got everyone a ticket to see West Side Story tonight.

A lot of the time I think gifts are purchased just to get someone something because you're supposed to get them something at Christmas. Or their birthday. Or for Arbor Day. Or whenever. Something that just sits around not getting used (and eventually possibly ends up on a blog).

So I rebelled against that a bit. Not in a railing-against-the-crass-commercialization-of-Christmas way (the crass commercialization of Christmas is one of my favorite aspects of the holidays) but in an ENOUGH! NO MORE CRAP! kind of way. So I decided instead of getting people something to have, I'd get them something to do. 

2/9/2012: Mask on a Stick

This mask on a stick is one of those "where the hell and why the hell did I get THAT???" items. It does fit into my world crap theme (see my earlier key cabinet post for details on that) and I keep it because it reminds me of a funny bit from an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

"Don't you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead." 

- Giles(in a mocking tone)

2/8/2012: Wall Art

Apparently a lot of Hollywood set designers also shop at Target because I've spotted this same wall art on quite a few shows including The Middle and How I Met Your Mother. I guess I'm quite the trend setter. But truth be told I've never been one for pictures of nature or landscapes and such, I prefer advertising art or signs.

2/7/2012: Dining Room Table

Nothing too exciting here I suppose, though I do like the design of this dining room table. It expands and the leaf folds out of the middle, then folds back in when, say, Christmas Eve dinner is over. Rather ingenious.

I never sit at the table to eat, I only use it when I have people over. Most of the time it's a plant stand or junk accumulating surface. I try to keep it clear because once you set one thing down on the table, the battle has been lost and in almost no time it's piled high with a random assortment of miscellaneous crap.

2/6/2012: Monkey Coffee Cup

Behold my monkey coffee cup and know the true meaning of the word "covet." To be honest it doesn't function very well as a coffee cup - the bottom is narrow so it tips a little too easily and the handle is awkward, difficult to grip properly. But none of the really matters. What matters is it's shaped like a monkey.

I picked this up not too long ago (which could mean anything from last year to five years ago, time melts into itself when you get to a certain age) at World Market. There was also a giraffe and a zebra version I think, but neither seemed as organic as the monkey cup. 

2/5/2012: Buffet Server

This is one of those items usually kept in the Cupboard of Rarely Used Small Kitchen Appliance. (Or in my case Rarely Used Under the Stairs Storage Area of Small Kitchen Appliances, I don's have a lot of cupboard space.) I pull this buffet server out roughly twice a year. Once for Christmas Eve dinner, and once for the Super Bowl. Soon after taken this picture it was filled with chicken wings, that dip you make by combining salsa with Velveeta and meant candy.

Sidenote: Does anyone else find it very disconcerting that Velveeta doesn't have to be refrigerated? Based on that fact alone it probably isn't fit for human consumption.

2/4/2012: Wall Mirror

This wall mirror can never be moved. Why? Because when I hung it up I think I had to drill three or four different holes to try to get it level, really tore the hell out of the plaster behind it. This mirror matches the wooden box I keep my remotes in - same wood, same inlaid white pieces of shell (or whatever it is), same collection at Target. (Also on clearance.) 

You can also see in the reflection a couple items I've already posted (my couch, yesterday's key cabinet is on those shelves). There's probably a good week's worth of stuff just in the reflection. Not to mention the dog occupying MY spot.

2/3/2012: Key Cabinet

This key cabinet reflects something of a style turning point for me. After watching the first season of Queer Eye For the Straight Guy I decided it was time to update my style from Single Guy Who Lives Like a College Student Even Though He's In His 30s to something more adult. What I've settled on is something I call "World Crap." The idea being that I have a bunch of stuff that gives the appearance of me having traveled the world to collect it. When in reality all I did was travel to Target to buy it. Usually on clearance.

This key cabinet is also the only home furnishings I've ever microwaved. See the holes along the side in the lower pic? Some time after purchasing this I noticed little piles of saw dust gathering beneath it. On closer inspection I noticed larval worms burrowing in the wood. And not just any larval worms, but larval worms imported from India that would that would eventually hatch into who knows what. So I did the only sensible thing... I stuck the key cabinet in the microwave and nuked the fuckers. Killed the worms without damaging the cabinet. Am I a genius or what?

2/2/2012: Chicago Bears Hardhat

Of course I didn't know it at the time, but this Chicago Bears hard hat my cousin got me as a birthday gift could be seen as foreshadowing for the shambles the Bears' season collapsed into after Cutler's season-ending thumb injury. This hat was a jinx. So really... it's all Dan's fault. Thanks a lot Dan. My only consolation is how much more Tampa sucked this year than the Bears.

2/1/2012: Ugly Ceramic Bowl I Made 30 Years Ago

I came home from work a couple nights ago to find this ugly ceramic bowl I made 30 years ago, proudly emblazoned with my initials, on my kitchen counter. That will teach me to ask my parents to stop over and feed the dog because I have to work late...

Way back in 1981 my mother signed me and my younger brother up for a ceramics class over the summer (probably to get us out of the house). It had to be 1981 because the hot topic of conversation with the other kids in the class was Raiders of the Lost Ark. At the time I didn't want to see the movie because I thought it was stupid that Harrison Ford was shooting lasers as an archeologist (that scene where the sun beam reveals the location of the Well of the Souls, in the commercials it looked like a lazer which I though was stupid with the context of the story. Hey, I was a discerning 12 year old.). Luckily the other ceramics kids were able to change my mind.

Flash forward 30 years and here, on my kitchen counter, is the product of that long ago ceramics class that's been in my parent's basement ever since. My father suggested I use it for dog treats and that I should put it on my "thing every day blog." Good call dad.

If you think this is ugly, just wait until you see the ashtray.