1/31/2012: Mica Shade Table Lamp

This table lamp looks good I think, kind of that old school mission style I liked once upon a time, but it's not really useful. If it's on for very long the faux mica shade starts to singe above where the light bulb is due to the heat. So decorative and non-functional. Luckily it's not in a place where I really need a lamp in order to actually see things.

1/30/2012: Wooden Box (for remotes)

Young Mike just scattered the various remotes all over the coffee table without a care for such things as organization. Adult Mike realized that was how a barbarian would keep his remotes and found this wooden box on clearance at Target that is just big enough for the DVD, TV and TiVo remotes.

1/29/2012: R2D2 Pepper Mill

This was a birthday (or Christmas?) gift from a friend not too long ago. I'm not much of a fresh ground pepper person, so my R2D2 pepper mill sits on top of my fridge. Now a little Jim Gaffigan on the subject of fresh ground pepper:

When you go out to dinner they always try and improve the salad. They’re like, “Would you like some fresh pepper on your salad?” Can anyone tell the difference between fresh and stale pepper? I can’t even taste the pepper. They might as well be like, “Would you like us to wave this wooden wand over your salad?”

“Uh, all right.”

“OK, enjoy your magic salad.”

“Ooh, I didn’t know I was getting a magic salad.”

1/28/2012: Salad Spinner

I got this salad spinner just yesterday, so I guess it's my newest stuff. I buy that bagged salad and I never wash it cause it's a pain to dry. And every time I do that the thought crosses my mind that someone somewhere could've peed on my lettuce. Why would anyone want to pee on my lettuce? Beats me. I have no idea what motivates somebody crazy enough to pee on lettuce.

Also I discovered this afternoon that nothing seems to piss off the dog like rapidly rotating leafy greens.

1/27/2012: Giant Kong

The giant Kong is basically a torture device for my dog Darwin. It's hard plastic, screws apart and you fill it with dog food. Kind of like those plastic Easter eggs you fill with candy but on a larger scale. Once filled with dog food I set it on the ground and Darwin attacks it, because let's face facts he's been inside all day while I've been at work and he's starving. He knocks it over bats it around leaps on it to get it to tip juuuuust so and... two little pieces of dog food come out the hole in the side. Then, since it's basically a giant weeble, the giant Kong rights itself and Darwin has to attack it again. And again. And again.

Until it gets stuck under the couch.

1/26/2012: Ridiculously Oversized Lunch Box

This is the ridiculously oversized lunch box I use when I take my lunch to work, which I try to do most days. My coworkers will often mock the size of my lunch box with comments like "Hungry enough Mike?" or "How much are you planning to eat today!" It's not full, but I needed something bigger to fit the longer boxes of the frozen meals I sometimes take. Actually it's a small cooler, designed to set a 6-pack in the bottom with room on top. And though I'm often tempted, I haven't ever actually taken a 6-pack to work. Yet.

1/25/2012: Bears Hat

I can remember a time, long long ago, when I refused to wear a hat because I didn't want to mess up my hair. This was around the time I took the 45 of Sunglasses At Night along to get my haircut so that I could have it look like Cory Hart's. So like I said, long long ago. But now my hair is thinned and what I have left is gray, so messing it up by wearing my Bears hat isn't quite a concern. I'm more worried about cold ears.

1/24/2012: Stapler

OK so technically this isn't my stapler it belongs to Wells but it's on my desk at work and I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire...

1/23/2012: Indoor/Outdoor Thermometer

1/22/2012: Beard Trimmer

By request... my beard trimmer! I'd posted on Facebook yesterday that I was trimming up my beard and considered, briefly, leaving myself a mustache. (Yes, my FB posts tend to be a riveting as these blog posts). Anyway, upon realizing I was not a 70s era porn star nor an 80s era Ferrari driving Hawaiian private investigator, I decided against it. Based on that post one of my 2 regular readers suggested I post my beard trimmer to my blog. So here it is Riley!

I'd also like to note that my decision to not rock a 'stache came before I'd even seen that thing on Joe Flacco's face today. Isn't that ironic? (In an Alanis Morisettey definition of the word.)

1/21/2012: Gil Jr.

Gil Jr. is the smaller version of a garden gnome I have outside that I named Gil. (You'll probably see him sometime in the future)((And no I don't think it's weird to name inanimate objects. You do it too. Admit it.)). Gil Jr. is a houseplant size. You may have noticed I have several houseplants, even featured my Christmas cactus earlier this month. Yes, I am able to keep houseplants alive. Provided they are the kind that can go a very long time between waterings and still survive. And by that I mean I often forget to water my plants for weeks. If they can survive that, the can survive me. If they can't survive that I will eventually toss their dry shriveled carcass in the trash.

1/20/2012: Insulated Travel Cup

This is my second cup of coffee in the morning. My first cup of coffee, as I'm sitting around in the morning thinking "Fuck I really don't fucking want to go to fucking work fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK" and having breakfast, is in a real coffee cup, like my Empire Strikes Back coffee cup. Then I pour a cup into one of my insulated travel cups (I have three just like this, two brown and one blue) for the commute to work and the long trek in from the parking lot. About 30 minutes or so after arriving at work I use it for my third cup. Then my fourth a little later. And often a fifth if I'm finidng it difficult to make it through the afternoon and remain awake at my desk.

Now that I'm writing that... I drink a LOT of coffee. I'm also posting a lot about coffee related items. Maybe I have a problem.

SIDENOTE: This is also the same cup Castle brings Beckett her coffee in when he arrives at the station in the morning. My coffee cup is famous!

1/19/2012: Arrow Head Shaped Vase

This arrow head shaped vase was a gift from my sister-in-law, something she intended for me to put in my phone alcove in the hallway. Unfortunately, as you may or my not recall, that space is already occupied by my Stephen Hawking action figure and a couple religious candles as part of my shrine to the virgin Mary. And really, that phone alcove was made for those items. Actually, it was made for a phone, but you get what I mean.

1/18/2012: Paper Lantern Floor Lamp

This is a paper lantern floor lamp that they sell at Target that I didn't get at Target. I'd been looking for additional lighting for my desk/computer but didn't want a desk lamp that actually sat on my desk, wanted something that would hang above. Thought this would be perfect when I spotted it at Target, it arches over my desk and lights things evenly. But... it was $60! For a paper lantern! Screw that.

Did I mention at this time I was living in an apartment complex? No? Well I was. One day while taking my trash out I noticed someone had set, next to the dumpster... this lamp. I looked around... nobody was watching me... SO... I took it. It wasn't *IN* the garbage after all, it was merely garbage adjacent. Call it "garbage lamp" if you'd like (and I do), but it works great and best of all it was free.

Let me repeat, it was garbage adjacent, not actually *IN* the garbage.

1/17/2012: Egg Slicer

The kitchen does seem to fill up with gadgets and small appliances that have only one specific purpose doesn't it? Melon ballers. Quesadilla makers. Snoopy Sno Cone maker. The gadgets always gather in the second or third drawer down where they lie forgotten for years and the small appliances invariably end up shoved in the Cupboard of Rarely Used Small Kitchen Appliances that every kitchen seems to have. I swear my mother still has a fondue set that was received as a wedding gift(in an at the time stylish avocado green!) stuffed in the cupboard over the refrigerator. I have never seen this item used in my lifetime.

Despite that, however, I do regularly use my egg slicer. For what? To slice hard boiled eggs. Duh. I also sometimes will strum the wires like I'm playing a very small harp. See, I've been on a salad kick and the eggs go on the salad. Along with plenty of ranch dressing, ham cubes, shredded cheese and sunflower seeds. Once this salad kick is over, I'm sure the egg slicer will end up in the third drawer down in my kitchen. Forgotten for years.

1/16/2012: Cousins Picture

A picture of a picture on pics of my stuff... how meta is that? This is a photo of all the cousins (except Chad) on the Clark side of my family. Taken at a family reunion 4 or 5 years ago. I was definitely a bit strange to hang around drinking beer with my cousins that day as opposed to the activities we used to do, such as playing Star Wars. (I was Han Solo.) Now that I think about it... after quite a few beers we might have ended up playing Star Wars at the reunion...

This cousins picture is the last time was all (except Chad) were together in one place. Shame it doesn't happen more.

1/15/2012: Garden Jawa

Got this little guy as a birthday present this past summer. Next year I'll have to set him up higher, cause he was quickly overtaken by my overgrown garden and hidden from view. And what's the point of having a green garden hose wielding Jawa in the garden if he can't be seen?

After his pepper garden duties of the summer were over, I set my garden Jawa on the sill outside my dining room window. So he could spend the winter looking longingly inside where it's warm. Some may say this is cruel to do to a creature that hails from a desert climate like that found on Tatooine, and to those people I say... he's plastic and Jawas aren't real.

Plus I'm not letting something that smells as bad as a Jawa does in my house. Don't they have showers on Tatooine? Probably not. Being a desert planet and all.

1/14/2012: Grind and Brew Coffee Maker

This is my Cuisinart Automatic Grind and Brew coffee maker. Combined a built in grinder with the coffee maker. It also has a timer which I almost never use, because that requires you to think about setting it up the night before to brew in the morning.

This is actually my second one of these, the first I had died awhile back and I recently replaced it is with the new one. It still worked as a coffee maker, but the grinder had gone out on it. And once you've gotten used to fresh ground and brewed coffee... well, there's no going back. OK, you can go back, cause I did for quite a number of months, but fresh ground is noticeably better. After several months of suffering without fresh ground coffee in the morning I happened across this one on one of those crazy deals on Amazon just before Christmas.

Right now as I write this I'm enjoying my second cup of the morning. And yes, for those wondering, I happen to be drinking it out of one of my Empire Strikes Back coffee cups. I know some people don't drink coffee, don't like the taste, don't need it to wake up in the morning and to those people I say: "You're nuts."

1/13/2012: Anderson Media Console

When you're douchey enough to buy something at Pottery Barn you always refer to it by it's proper full name. So this isn't a "TV stand." Oh no. This is the Anderson Media Console. Doesn't that sound much more impressive?

Normally I'm not a PB shopper. Well, not a buyer. I look at their catalogs... then go to Target, World Market or somewhere else and find roughly the same thing at a third of the price. But in my search for a TV stand... excuse me... in my search for a media console that strategy just wasn't working. Generally I think TV stands are ugly pieces of furniture, so I wanted something that didn't look like one. That you could of course still put a big ass TV on. And this looks just like the apothecary tables of yor! Long story short, I'd spotted this in a PB catalog years earlier, wanted it, never found a similar knockoff cheaper and it went on clearance. PB clearance anyway, which means it still cost too much but not WAY too much.

Sidenote: Once you've ordered something from PB, they will not stop sending you catalogs. I should have a pile of them as big as my Anderson Media Console in no time.

1/12/2012: Snow Shovel

A shot of my lonely snow shovel, leaning up against the garage where I left it whenever it last was I actually shoveled. We've had a very mild largely snow-free winter thus far so it's been awhile since it saw any use. Thought I might have to use it this evening, but when I got home from work the little amount of snow we got last night had mostly been blown off my sidewalks and driveway. Thanks bitterly cold high speed winds! You're the best!

1/11/2012: Wooden Turtle

One of my favorite things my paternal grandmother had in her house was this wooden turtle. She kept it on her coffee table (along with a wooden crab, but we'll get to that later). It was a memento from a vacation she and my grandfather had taken to Jamaica (I think) long before I was born. It's an item that I'll always associate with my grandmother, full of the nostalgia of youthful visits to New Jersey, which is why it was one of the things I wanted after she passed away. The turtle's shell lifts off to reveal a small compartment inside and I always thought that was neat, kind of a secret hiding place. Now I keep lighters in there.

Recently my dad was over and spotted the wooden turtle in my living room and remarked, "You know your grandmother had a turtle just like this. She and grandpa got it on a trip to Jamaica back in the 60s. Where'd you get this one?"

"In grandma's living room."

1/10/2012: Tweezers

Time for something from the more mundane items I possess... my tweezers. Time was, not long ago really, I had almost no use for a pair of tweezers. I had them of course, everybody does. They're a rather ubiquitous item that way. But now, since I hit my late 30's I'd say, I actually use them regularly. Why?

I'm sure any guy my age or greater knows why: ear hair. My ears now need regular maintenance. That is if I don't want it to look like I'm growing a Chia Pet in there. Eventually I'm sure I'll just give up on the endeavor and not worry if I look like I'm wearing ear muffs all the time. But until that time, I tweeze.

I do however vow to keep plucking the one crazy eyebrow hair I have that grows straight down.

1/9/2012: Cereal Bowls

The fact that these cereal bowls are pink and turquoise should give you a clue as to just how long I've had them. See boys and girl, there was a time long long ago when that was THE color combination. We're talking the 80's with a little carry over into the early 90's. Which is when I got the set of which these bowls were a part.

I was working at Target at the time, and living in my first apartment. Came across a set of dishes on clearance for $5 because one of the cups was missing. I needed dishes for my new apartment. Plus I could easily take a cup out of one of the complete sets, put it in the clearance box and *voila* have a complete set of dishes for $5. A complete set of pink and turquoise dishes.

Now I've long since gotten rid of the set but I kept the bowls. Why? Because, though they are indeed ugly as hell, they are the perfect size for cereal and the perfect side steepness. And if you think they're ugly now after nearly 20 years of fading you should've seen them new. (Now that I've written this I'm finding it hard to fathom how long I've had these bowls... TWO DECADES!!!)

1/8/2012: Couch

There's no bond as strong as the bond between a man and his couch. As evidenced by the ass indentation on the right cushion as that's my regular position on the couch. There's a less pronounced ass indentation on the left cushion cause sometimes I like to mix it up and flip where I sit.

This couch is the result of a years long couch search. I'm not exaggerating. I didn't know exactly what I wanted but I knew I'd know it when I saw it. It was like I had a couch-shaped hole in my head and I would know the right couch when I saw it because it would fit perfectly in that hole. Like a square peg in a square hole.

Speaking of which, does anyone else remember the TV show Square Pegs? ~I don't wanna wear my glasses but I gotta wear my glasses.~ Loved that show way back when. I think I'll go take a seat on the couch and see if it any channel has reruns of it.

1/7/2012: Robe

Have you seen those giant footie pajamas with hoods for adults? It's actually called "The Lazy Slack Ass" or something. You all thought Snuggies were bad. Makes me feel OK about spending a majority of my Saturday and Sunday mornings in my robe during the winter. Normally I try to have pants on by noon so I don't feel like a complete slug. Of course it doesn't always work out that way. Sometimes you get a text from a friend just after 9:30 on a Saturday morning asking for a ride back to their car downtown and you have to put on pants earlier than you'd like.

Who came up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.'

- Jim Gaffigan

I got this big fluffy maroon monstrosity of a robe at Target during the post-Christmas clearance insanity period (one of my favorite times of year at Target). If I recall, it was regularly $39.99 and was marked down to $7.48. When something is marked down that much the question "Do I need this?" (cause usually you don't) doesn't even enter your mind, you just buy it.

1/6/2012: Religious Candles

My house, a Beaverdale Brick built in the late 40's, has an interesting architectural element in the hallway - a phone alcove. Of course in this day and age, who has a home phone? Which takes away the purpose of the alcove. And even if I still had a land line, I wouldn't put the phone in the alcove anyway - it's rather inconveniently located. Apparently people in the 40's and 50's didn't mind getting up from the couch to go answer the phone or getting out of bed to do the same. Heck, if my cell phone is out of reach I sometimes just let it go to voicemail.

When I purchased my house about three years ago... or maybe it's four now, time melts... and was giving the requisite new home tour to various friends or family members who came by to see my new digs, I would point out the alcove and jokingly say "And this is where my shrine to the Virgin Mary is going to go." Nothing like a little blasphemy among friend. Though my mother tends to not appreciate such jokes. Time passed as it will, and my friend Jill took a trip to Mexico. Where she happened upon some... let's call them tacky... where she happened upon some tacky religious candles depicting the Virgin Mary. Remembering my plans for the alcove, Jill was kind enough to pick me up one, plus a St. Michael in Hell candle too. So thoughtful. And they've been in my alcove,next to my Stephen Hawking action figure, ever since.

1/5/2012: Stephen Hawking Action Figure

I no longer have a lot of the collectibles I purchased in younger days (note: "collectible" is a term used by adult geeks to justify buying items such as comics or toys or Star Wars sheets that most would consider things only suitable for children to have). But one I had to hold onto was my Stephen Hawking action figure, from his appearance on The Simpsons. Why did I feel compelled to keep this particular collectible when most others have either been packed away in boxes in my basement or given away? If you have to ask that then maybe you didn't read what this is. It's a Stephen Hawking... ACTION FIGURE. How effing sweet is that?

1/4/2012: Seasons 1, 2 & 3 of Lost

Time was my entire Wednesday night was dedicated to one thing: Lost. And a good chunk of my Thursday morning was dedicated to explaining the prior night's episode to my manager. Lost was the last show I completely geeked out on. At least for the first few seasons. I'd read online about it. Look for clues. Have long message board discussions about it. Loved it so much I felt compelled to buy Lost seasons 1, 2 and 3 on DVD.

Unfortunately the show eventually collapsed under the weight of the mythology it had created, and I stopped caring long before it actually ended. Struggled to make it through each week's episode. In the end, none of that mythology mattered. I felt cheated by the finale - basically everything that drew me into the show early on (the mystery, the numbers, the polar bear, Darma, etc) was dismissed as not important in the end. And though the end was disappointing, the beginning was great. In my opinion season 1 remains one of the most brilliant TV seasons of a show ever.

1/3/2012: Christmas Cactus

Today is caucus day here in Iowa, a day everyone in the state has been looking forward to for a long long time... so that we can all once again watch TV without being bombarded by political commercials of Rick Perry telling us he isn't embarrassed to talk about his faith or how Ron Paul supports gay marriage so electing him will send America into a moral death spiral the likes of which haven't been seen since Sodom and Gomorrah or anything featuring Newt Gingrich's giant puffy head (am I the only one that thinks he looks like the Stay Puft marshmallow man?). Tomorrow the rest of the country can go back to ignoring us and, let's be honest, being unsure if we're the ones with all the potatoes or is that Ohio?

So anyway, what does any of that have to do with pics of my stuff? Well, what sounds kind of like caucus? That's right... cactus! And *voila* there's my rather tenuous reasoning behind sharing a pic of my Christmas cactus today.

I have no idea where I got this particular houseplant or when. I'd say I've had it at least 5 years, perhaps as many as 10. Perhaps even more, who can remember these things. I think it's technically two Christmas cacti in the same pot, since half of it blooms at a different time of year than the other half.

1/2/2012: Empire Strikes Back Coffee Cup

Pics of my stuff continues (I've stuck with it for 2 days now! Go me!) with my Empire Strikes Back coffee cup. I actually have two of these, picked them up at Barnes & Noble a few years ago while there for a little post-Christmas calendar shopping. Along with the calendars, these cups were also 50% off. Too good of a deal to pass up, even though the prequels had tarnished my deep nostalgic love of the original movies. But no matter how crappy episodes 1, 2 and 3 are I still fondly recall that summer when I turned 11, me and my brother seeing Empire over and over and over at the River Hills downtown. And here, in 50% off coffee cup form, was a reminder of those good times. But mainly I got them because I was low on coffee cups, always seemed to run out of clean ones before the dishwasher was full enough to run a load. What else could I do? Wash cups by hand between loads? C'mon, I'm not Amish.

1/1/2012: Holiday Hamster

This blog will be dedicated to posting pics of my stuff, hopefully one a day. Why? Well, I have a lot of stuff. Or crap if you prefer. Seems to accumulate in great amounts. And let's face facts, on some level we are what we buy right? So maybe by sharing what I own I'll end up having some life-altering self-epiphany as I realize a fundamental truth about myself. Or more likely this blog will serve as a good opening item for a future episode of Hoarders.The idea is pretty basic: post a pic of something I own and write a little about it. Along with a few basic facts about the thing. Where I got it, why I got it, when I got it, something interesting about it (if there is something interesting about what I'm posting that particular day). That kind of thing. 

First up is my Holiday Hamster. I use the word "holiday" not as part of the imagined "war on Christmas" but because I like the alliteration. I got him at Target (you'll find a lot of my stuff comes from Target) at least 5 or 6 years ago, there was an endcap full of various different hamsters sporting various holiday outfits. When you push his left foot, Holiday Hamster dances and sings a very chipmunky version of Jingle Bells. Oh, and my dog absolutely hates the thing. Barks and yowls every time it comes on, jumps up and tries to grab it off the shelf. Sits , stares and growls at it even when it's silent. So naturally during the holidays I push Holiday Hamster's left foot as often as possible.